“I’ve tried everything. I’ve said ‘NO’ in my deepest Darth Vader voice. I’ve attempted the ice-cold, spine-chilling stare. I’ve even pulled out my best mini-TED Talk on non-violence. Nothing. My kid keeps throwing punches like he’s warming up for an MMA fight.”
If you’re here, it’s because you, too, have a little champion of ninja bites and lightning-fast slaps at home. Take a deep breath. You’re not alone. And most importantly, there are solutions (and no, they don’t require an exorcism).
1. Stay Calm (Even When You Want to Vanish Into Thin Air)
When your child turns the playground into a UFC ring, your first instinct might be to overreact. Because, yes, it’s shocking to see your sweet angel suddenly morph into Mike Tyson.
Why Overreacting Is a Mistake
A child who bites or hits isn’t a future bully in the making. They’re just trying to express frustration or an unmet need—without the words to do it yet. Responding with anger or severe punishment only increases their stress and aggression.
What You Should Do Instead
- Stay calm. If you yell, you’re just teaching them that anger should be met with… more anger.
- Get down to their level, maintain eye contact, and say a short, firm sentence: “We don’t hit.”
- Don’t overdramatize, but don’t brush it off either. They need to understand the behavior is unacceptable, but not that they are “bad.”
What to say: “I won’t let you do that. Hurting others is not okay.”
2. Explain (Simply) Why Hitting or Biting Isn’t Okay
“But they KNOW it hurts!”
Yes… and no. Before the age of 3 or 4, a child’s brain isn’t fully wired to understand the impact of their actions on others. Their prefrontal cortex (responsible for impulse control and empathy) is still under construction.
What You Should Do Instead
Label their emotions: “You were angry/sad/frustrated.”
Explain the impact of their action: “When you bite, it hurts the other person.”
Offer an alternative: “If you’re upset, you can use your words instead.”
What to say: “I see that you’re angry, but here, we use words, not hands.”
2. Give Them a Better Way to Express Their Emotions
“Okay, so I’m not supposed to bite… but what do I do instead?”
That’s exactly what your child is thinking (even if they’re not saying it). Simply forbidding a behavior without offering an alternative is like saying, “Don’t think about a pink elephant.”
What You Should Do Instead
- If it’s frustration: “Instead of hitting, you can say ‘I don’t like that.’”
- If it’s sensory (especially in toddlers): Offer a chew toy or teething ring.
- If it’s an emotional overload: “If you feel like hitting, squeeze your hands really tight instead.”
What to say: “If you’re upset, come to me, and we’ll figure it out together.”
4. Teach Repair (Without Forced Apologies That Mean Nothing)
“Say sorry. Right now!”
“Sorry.” (Cue monotone voice, blank stare, zero remorse.)
Forcing a child to apologize teaches them nothing, except that saying “sorry” is just a meaningless social transaction.
What You Should Do Instead
- Encourage them to make amends: “Would you like to check if your friend is okay? Maybe give them a hug?”
- Help them see the impact of their actions: Learning that their choices affect others is the real lesson.
What to say: “When we hurt someone, we try to make it right.”
What You Should Absolutely Avoid
- Yelling or harsh punishment. It only teaches them that “the biggest person wins.”
- Ignoring them completely. They need to learn to regulate emotions, not suppress them.
- Forcing an empty apology. Without understanding, it’s just a meaningless phrase.
- Shaming them. It can create deep emotional wounds that show up later in life.
Handy Phrases to Have on Standby
- “I see that you’re frustrated. That’s okay.”
- “You’re allowed to feel angry, but you’re not allowed to hurt others.”
- “You can tell me how you feel, but not with your hands.”
- “If you’re upset, come to me, and we’ll find a solution together.”
What If Nothing Works?
“I’ve tried everything, and my kid STILL hits/bites. What now?”
Breathe. This is normal. Changing behavior takes time, repetition, and patience.
If it keeps happening:
- Check the context. Are they tired? Hungry? Overstimulated?
- Stay consistent. Don’t switch strategies every time.
- Observe patterns. Who, when, and why? Identifying triggers helps prevent future incidents.
- Don’t expect instant results. A child won’t master emotional regulation overnight.
What Your Child Learns from This Approach
- How to express emotions without aggression.
- That their feelings are valid, but their actions must be appropriate.
- That frustration is part of life, and they can manage it in a healthy way.
- That their actions have consequences, and they can take responsibility for them.
And most importantly, they learn that you’re there to help them grow—not just to punish them.
Handling a child who bites or hits without losing your mind or turning into a drill sergeant is absolutely possible. It’s a process, not an overnight fix. But every meltdown is a learning opportunity.
Try these techniques and let me know in the comments: Which method works best for your child?